pendulum

Oh, how quickly the pendulum swings when it comes to the state of my heart, the attitude of my kids, the connection with my husband, the overall tone of our home. If you read my last post: Tiny Hints of Heaven, I had just experienced the bliss of heavenly moments during our family vacation. How I wish that joy would last!

But it didn’t. Pretty soon, everyone was complaining and arguing and fighting. No more ziplines. No more fun desserts every night. No more staying up late. No more cool rivers to swim in and rocky cliffs to jump off. No more fun cousins to play with. No more cool weather (coming back to temps of 103-104 was a complete shock to our bodies!). For the first few days, my kids kept saying, “I want to go back to Wilderness Lodge!” We all did. We wanted it to last forever.

Piles of laundry sat waiting for me. The list of to-do’s to prepare for another school year quickly grew. We were jolted out of our refreshed, relaxed mode and we all felt the same frustrating feeling that: ‘this sucks!’

Yesterday, during a full-blown melt-down in the car, a familiar phrase crept into my mind, one that has haunted me during the past two years of crippling depression and anxiety that I am only now emerging from.  “I can’t do this,” that familiar voice within me cried. Such a little phrase, but so powerful, so full of despair, so helpless and hopeless.

But oh, what a grace-filled moment it was, when I heard the Lord whisper back: “Yes, you can.” Followed by His direct word from Scripture: “Nothing is impossible with God.” And suddenly, the despair left as quickly as it had come.

Those of you reading this may not have just come back from vacation. You may be dealing with so much more. But you may know, like I do, that crippling sense of despair that just makes you want to give up. It’s frightening. It’s dark. It’s heavy. It makes me wonder: what’s the point of all this? Why even try? It makes me resentful of my lot in life (despite cognitively knowing that I have SO much). It makes me weary and want to escape, to check out. It makes me angry and lash out at my family. It’s often a physical sensation for me, as if I’m wrapped in darkness, as if I’m falling, as if a heavy boulder is pushing down on me and I am about to be crushed. I know this, friend. And it is scary.

If you can relate, join me in praying: “Lord, I need You! Everyday, every hour, every moment I need You!” He is faithful and just to hear our prayers. He cares. He loves us.

His word tells us that if we seek Him with all our heart, we will find Him. Knock and the door will be opened. He is a compassionate, faithful God who will never leave us or forsake us. Even though the darkness creeps in at times, I know, from first-hand experience, that He was always there in the midst of it, I just couldn’t see Him.

I urge you, friends: Cling to Him. Run to Him. I have learned, especially over these past two years of frightful experiences, that there is nothing else. Nothing that satisfies like the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my all.

And you know what? He is making all things new. Those glimpses of heaven are real! They are hints of what’s to come! So we DON’T have to despair, we can hope in the future. Sure, things may suck in the here and now, but it will not last forever. And, if we’re walking with Him, clinging to Him in our day to day, we are bathed in light, we are given a fresh perspective, full of hope and joy and love. And that’s how I want to live. Depending on Him in every moment.

Blessed be your name, Oh Lord. Thank You for the hints of heaven that you give us here on earth. Thank you for the hope You offer. In the midst of moments of darkness. Help me cling to You and You alone.

The Pedulum Swing: ‘This is Awesome’ to ‘This Sucks’

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